You may have seen recent reports that the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) is now on a recruitment drive to entice Chinese officials to switch sides and become US spies. It has released two Chinese-language videos on various social media platforms, accessible on YouTube, depicting fictional scenes where “disillusioned” Chinese officials offer their services to the CIA.

The title of one is Why I Contacted the CIA: To Take Control of My Fate. The other video’s title is Why I Contacted the CIA: For a Better Life. A more honest title would have been: Why I Contacted the CIA: To Betray My Friends, Family and Country. In one of the videos, an actor playing the role of a senior party member is worried about being purged like “worn-out shoes” in “these turbulent and unsettling times”. The narrative, quoted in Al Jazeera, is that he “yearns to take control of his destiny and find a path to safeguard his family and the achievements he has built through years of hard work. Aware that everything he possesses could vanish in an instant, he is driven to make a difficult but crucial decision to safely reach out to the CIA.”

The British newspaper, The Guardian, quotes a caption in one of the videos asking in Chinese: “Do you have any information about economic, fiscal, or trade policies?” Another caption asks: “Do you work in the defense industry? Do you work in national security, diplomacy, science, advanced technology, or deal with people who work in these fields? Please contact us. The information you can provide is important and we value your insights on these topics.” The videos end with instructions on how to send encrypted contact information to the CIA “safely” and “securely”.

I’m not sure how many Chinese officials would want to betray their country by offering their services to the CIA, even assuming the encryption safeguards actually work, but if you do fancy yourself as a US spy, I’m here to help with a sample letter of application to the world’s biggest spying agency:

To: Director of the Central Intelligence Agency, Langley, Virginia

Dear Sir,

Further to your advertisements on Facebook, Telegram, Instagram, and X, I wish to apply for one of your positions as a special US agent in China. I have seen all the James Bond movies and know that I would be a great asset to your organization.

I meet all the criteria required for your job description. I am unpatriotic, unscrupulous and devious. My lifelong ambition has been to make money by switching sides, betraying my country, and leaking secrets to the United States. I fit perfectly your description of the ideal candidate as someone “who has diligently worked his way to the top throughout his life” and now “profoundly realizes that no matter how high his status is, it is insufficient to protect his family in these turbulent and unsettling times”. This situation in which I find myself is in stark contrast to the stable, secure and highly valued status of those federal employees in the US who haven’t yet been sacked by your glorious leader’s DOGE (Department of Government Efficiency).

Furthermore, you state in your advertisement that you want to attract someone who “yearns to take control of his destiny”. This is a perfect description of me. I am exactly the sort of dollar-earner yearner that you are looking for.

I would like to add that my personal qualities include being egotistical, unprincipled, exploitative and mercenary. I am an excellent liar and would find it easy to turn against my friends. I do hope these attributes will meet your espionage requirements and won’t clash too much with the principled, honorable and unselfish core values at the heart of your country’s present administration.

Over the years, I have followed with interest your government’s pronouncements about unacceptable spying by China on the US. Whereas the US spying on China is a noble pursuit, China spying on the US is utterly deplorable and deserves the utmost condemnation. Like you, I was appalled by the appearance of a suspicious Chinese weather balloon over the US two years ago. Although nothing could be proved, the political theatrics this caused in Washington were completely understandable and I fully supported then-secretary of state Antony Blinken who reacted by cancelling his planned trip to Beijing. A Chinese weather balloon over America clearly warrants much greater outrage than openly recruiting American spies in China.

I am also fully supportive of your department of justice’s accusations that China has been using secret, illegal “police stations” to spy on people inside the US. I completely endorse the words of former Federal Bureau of Investigation director Christopher Wray that this is “outrageous” and “violates sovereignty”. Quite right! This is completely different from your current recruitment of valuable assets like me to spy inside China.

Similarly, I was in total agreement with the sentiments expressed last year by the governor of New York, Kathy Hochul. She was “furious”, “outraged” and “shocked” after learning of the “brazen” behavior of one of her former aides who allegedly acted as a “Chinese spy” in her office and within the state government. Her comment that it was “a betrayal of trust” was completely accurate and in sharp contrast to the honorable treachery expected from US spies in China.

Finally, if you aren’t already convinced by my credentials to be an invaluable asset for you, I can prove my worth by revealing some top-secret information from the heart of China’s government. I have all the details of a dastardly plot to destroy the US. The plan is to infiltrate the White House domestic staff with a top hypnotist. His mission will be to implant key policy ideas in the president’s brain. When the president then hears the words “Make America Great Again”, this will trigger the immediate implementation of these policies. They will include: wrecking the US economy with an obsession about trade tariffs; isolating the US by alienating its allies and neighbors in Europe, Mexico and Canada; polarizing US political opinion; undermining the US Constitution; and making the US president a laughingstock around the world. The devastating impact of this will be of such magnitude that the US will never recover.

I urge you to recruit me as soon as possible so that I can reveal full details of this evil plot and ensure that your president will never be tricked into inflicting such chaos on your country.

Yours sincerely

[Full Name]

Spies R Us

China

The author is a British historian and former principal of Sha Tin College, an international secondary school in Hong Kong.

The views do not necessarily reflect those of China Daily.